I’ve been purging a lot of emotions this weekend. Today, I suddenly felt very sad, jealous and I recognized a lot of self-pity.
My brother is doing better. I met up with him and my mother yesterday. And I was just… not very pleasant company. I was so resentful. I’m, honestly, quite bitter right now that my life is where it’s at. I think those are the emotions that are bothering me the most: Anger, shame, resentment, feeling underappreciated.
Why? What’s up with that?
I’ve recognized that I spent my childhood catering to my father, in order to keep him away from my mother and brother. I let him metaphorically stick his dick in me, in order to keep his tantrums to a minimum. Not that I was entirely successful, but I tried to protect my brother from his wrath. My brother once said that, if it wasn’t for me, he might not have made it..
Now that my brother is doing better, I’m somehow having the sense that my childhood assignment is over. My brother and mother are doing fine. But I am doing shitty. And I’m just so very angry about it. Right now, it feels like I sacrificed myself, my health and well-being, to buffer them as much as I could. It feels fucking unfair. I feel like a punching bag, that’s barely hanging on by a thread. I’ve done my duty. And I’m exhausted, tired and have sustained many injuries.
The worst of them is that my father succeeded in setting me up against my mother and brother. It’s a dichotomy, I know, it doesn’t make sense. I wanted to protect them, and then I started believing the lies he spewed. In my attempt to appease him, I got tangled in his web. I came too close. And he poisoned my mind. He convinced me that my mother was inadequate. He convinced me of many nasty things he said about my brother. Even though I was appalled at the poison he spewed, there is such a thing as emotional/mental contagion. He caused me to doubt myself, to never feel worthy of love and he caused me to socially self-harm by making me terrified.
I discovered yesterday that I feel blocked from having a warm relationship with my mother and brother. Something inside me was sabotaged.
I feel cheated. I feel cheated out of my own life.
Maybe 2019 was the best thing that happened to me after all.
This is the year in which I start amputating some tentacles from my rainforest.